This year, the most annoying things on my Facebook feed weren’t engagement/wedding/baby pictures, but idiots. I’m unfollowing/unfriending you in 2014 if…
#1: You’re just trying to piss people off. Whether it’s an ultra-conservative post for all your liberal friends or an ultra-Harry-Potter post for all your Twilight friends, you’re just an ultra-bastard looking for attention.
#2: You not only believe this Brangelina letter, you posted it with comments like “Beautiful!” and “Every man should read this!” It’s fake, idiot.
#3: Your profile pictures are all accompanied by “inspiring” quotes by “anonymous” or “unknown.” But a simple Google search reveals that they’re just Billy Joel lyrics.
#4: Your idea of wisdom for 20-somethings comes from a Buzzfeed list.
#5: You gave your two cents about Duck Dynasty.
#6: You shared your harrowing tale of depression and divorce via status updates.
#7: #HASHTAGS. #TOO MANY #HASHTAGS.
#8: I don’t know you.
It’s probably for the best that we stop being “friends.”