How You Shouldn't Tell Your Indian Parents You Have a White Boyfriend (More than 150)


Over five years ago, during my Christmas break, I googled “how to tell your indian parents you have a white boyfriend.” B and I had been dating for two years, so we were officially serious. My friends were asking, he was asking, his parents were asking, When are you going to tell your parents? The pressure was on, and I had no idea what to do. I was listening to “Defying Gravity” (that song is made for defiant teenage girls) and “Two Birds” (B was the bird who was ready to fly on to the next step, I was the bird holding on to the wire) on loop for years just to prep myself for the conversation that I knew had to happen.

I think the movie industry has covered Indian families enough so that most people have a basic understanding of why Indian children are so terrified to talk to their parents about dating and relationships. And, if you haven’t been exposed to The Namesake or Bend It Like Beckham or Monsoon Wedding or Touch of Pink (seriously, there are SO MANY MOVIES because Americans can’t get enough of our dysfunctional families), then hopefully you have an Indian friend or two who taught you something. If not, this girl and this wife cover the basics.

To add to your perception of Indians and marriage, let me add this shocker: not all Indian marriages are arranged. My parents, now married for 28 years, were a “love marriage,” and—at least in my tiny little subculture of Malayalee Christians and their North Indian college friends in North Texas—many modern pairings are “love marriages,” too. When I reached the marriageable age of 22, my mother was encouraging me to start dating good Indian boys. Unfortunately for her, I was already with B.

I never quite fit in with my Malayalee peers to figure out the intricacies of Indian dating (hence the white husband…), but apparently there’s lots of sneaking around and lying that goes around with just dating the “right” kind of person, too. However, when you finally come “out” to your parents with the “right” kind of Indian from the “right” kind of religious background, I imagine your family would react much differently than mine did.

What I was worried would happen if I told my parents:

  1. They would actually have the fabled “heart attack” induced by unruly children, and die. This is a basic Indian parent defense mechanism: appeal to your child’s sense of guilt by telling him/her that you have heart disease, and you will die if you hear any stressful news. Guaranteed to work unless your children hate you for stressing them out so much, and they do want you to die.
  2. They would lock me in my room until I repented. I know, this sounds like Rapunzel, but it happens. It happens in Malayalee movies, and it actually happened to one of my friends when her parents found out about her white boyfriend, or so I heard through the Indian grapevine. And that happened soon after I started dating B, so of course I was scared of this.
  3. They would increase security in the family so that my siblings and cousins would not be tempted to date unacceptable partners (or any partners). As the oldest in my generation, I was always told that my actions would affect the fates of those who came after me. If I married an undesirable, our family name would be tainted and no one would want to marry my siblings or cousins, or they’d just make sure my siblings and cousins didn’t see the light of day.
  4. They would disown me. As much as I love to complain about them, my family is really important to me. Feeling a deep tie between one’s family and one’s identity is an essential part of Indian culture. The fear of losing that tie and that part of yourself is one of the biggest reasons why Indian kids back out of “unacceptable” relationships.
  5. Honor killings. This one’s not funny. Part of the reason I was so paranoid about my parents finding out was because I heard of one happening in the States when B and I were still new. I was scared to death that my dad would snap and come after us (he didn’t).

Because I didn’t fit in with my South Indian peers, I didn’t have a confidant who really understood what I was going through. My best friends were Muslim, hailing from Pakistan or North India (and that’s a whole different culture–check out Aaminah Khan if you need help with that), or white. The advice that I got about how to tell my parents about B went from “OMGOMGOMGOMG be careful! You don’t want to ruin your life” to “You’re an adult and your parents have to see you as an adult now” (hahahaha yes, please try telling that to Indian parents of unmarried girls) to “Fuck it. Fuck them. Just tell them the truth and get over it.” (To my friends’ credit, those are not direct quotes.)

And that’s why, after two years of anxious diarrhea and sleepless nights, I went to Google. At the time, all I found were Indian men’s white wives whose accounts of grappling Indian culture sounded too much like a conquistador’s journal, or forums filled with people who were just as lost as I was. I couldn’t identify with Indian-male-white-female relationship problems (there is a strong double-standard regarding dating in our culture, as evidenced by the dearth of Indian-female-white-male marriages), so I went to the forums. I found people with “modern” parents, who  wholeheartedly accepted their child’s lover of another race. I found people who just had to suck it up, be brave, tell their parents, and deal with the shitstorm that happened afterwards. I found some who could only tell their parents after they had moved out, found a “grown-up” job, and supported themselves (I took this path, but apparently Indian girls aren’t supposed to get that independent. I just ended up insulting my parents further). I found some who were even more fucked up than I was: had a secret marriage, had kids, and still hadn’t told their parents.

Needless to say, Google and its endless forums didn’t really help. Rather than acting, I let my fear and fury fester while I fantasized possible ways of “coming out” for the next three years.

How I thought I would tell my parents about my white boyfriend

  1. Hollywood-style: Over a holiday meal. What better time to deliver unpleasant news than during the holidays? Everyone’s together, and you can get all your emotions out at once. In fact, Christmas Eve dinner at IHOP was how I came “out” to my siblings about B (but they already knew through Facebook, so it wasn’t really a surprise). Alas, everyone’s so happy that I could never do it.
  2. College-style: After a few shots of vodka. I talked to my parents after vodka once. I said what I wanted to say, and they thought I was funny. If it worked that one time, why not when I’m trying to tell them something important?
  3. Over the phone. I moved 300 miles away to go to graduate school. That’s definitely too far for them to make an impulsive drive to kick my ass. I thought a phone call during my four years in West Texas would be the key to finally telling them.
  4. Through a tattle-tale. Indian moms are just dying to gossip. After about four years of dating, I started getting lazy about looking out for Indians when we went on dates. I was hoping someone would find us and tell my parents so I wouldn’t have to.
  5. Through a faulty lie. Again, I was hoping my laziness would win over my fears. My excuses became less and less convincing as the years passed. Maybe my parents would find me in a hometown Wal-Mart when they thought I was away in a library at graduate school. Maybe they would see us at the movies when I said I was at a sleepover with my girlfriends. Maybe they’ll figure out that my sudden love for polar bears was inspired by my oh-so-white-and-pale boyfriend.
  6. While I’m talking in my sleep. I don’t even talk in my sleep. Just wishful thinking.
  7. While I’m on the phone with him when I’m home for the holidays. I used to be really quiet when I was on the phone. I’d hide in my closet and talk in a tiny voice that I was sure you couldn’t hear over the air conditioning. As the years went by, I stopped caring. Part of me was hoping they’d be annoying parents and take my phone and ask who was on the other line.
  8. Divine intervention. My mom did have dreams of me coming home with “the one” or “the grandchild.” Maybe this is how Gabriel intervenes. However, I didn’t take the divine hint and ask her about the color of my dream lover or baby.

We’re out now, and finishing up our first year of parent-approved marriage. But the way we did it—the way I did it—was far from what you should do. After six years of secrets, we were both fed up with lying, and we got impatient to grow up and get over it. Although we were together for six years, he and I and my parents (the “we” that I was too terrified to consider) were not. We came out suddenly and without warning to my parents, and I was not ready for what ensued.

I searched “how to tell your Indian parents you have a white boyfriend” for the first time in five years because I wanted to know if the internet had anything more to offer girls who are stuck like I was. Thanks to bloggers, the internet has much more concrete steps and advice to approach your parents than what I found during my initial search. I wish I had Madh Mama’s How To five years ago. Compared to her list and her story, I did everything wrong. So here’s my anti-How-To for any Indian girls with white boyfriends who are so desperate for advice that they will look to Google. I hope my experience can help you in some way.

How you shouldn’t tell your parents about your white boyfriend

  1. Hold on to your secret for six years. Chances are, if you’ve got problems telling your parents about your boyfriend, you’re young. If you have a white boyfriend when your parents told you not to, you will probably hold a lot of anger and resentment in you for however long you keep it a secret. You will be angry that you can’t share this wonderful part of you because of your parents’ “backwards” ideas. Holding on to anger for as long as I did, especially when you’re young and growing up into your own, hurts you and all your relationships. Anger will define you and haunt you, and you may not know how to let go.
  2. Tell them not to attend your graduation because you don’t want them to see you living in sin. I did a bitch move and decided not to walk at my Master’s graduation because I was scared my parents would see B in my apartment. They were always supportive parents, and they were hurt that I denied them the chance to congratulate me.
  3. Only tell Mom because Dad’s too scary, and hopefully he’ll just figure it out. #3 from “How I thought I would tell my parents” actually happened… but only with Mom. She knew my dad wouldn’t take it well, so she told me I had to take care of that announcement on my own without her help. So I never did. And I just ended up hurting my dad more when I finally came out because he was the only one who didn’t know.
  4. Announce a surprise engagement. Yeah, so… this is how I came “out” to my parents. B got tired of asking me when he would finally meet my parents, and just got down on one knee and gave me a ring. Getting engaged before meeting parents seems so normal in the movies
  5. Post your engagement on Facebook because they won’t pick up the phone or talk to you about it. I called my parents immediately after the engagement to tell them. But. My mom picked up. So I said, “I need to talk to Dad. It’s important.” She got suspicious, said he was busy, and asked if she could give him a message. I insisted on talking to Dad because, for once, I wanted to do things right. And (here’s where you see that I’m my father’s daughter) he was too scared of the news I would have to give him, so he never called me back. He never picked up the phone when I called. For. Three. Months. He didn’t say a word to me, even after I came home for the summer and lived under the same roof. So I got tired of not being able to tell anyone else, and I posted our engagement on Facebook. The rest of the family found out through Facebook and was outraged that no one told them in person.
  6. Over text messages. My dad, now angry that over the Facebook announcement, would talk to me, but only through text messages. And man, were they ugly text messages. We were both terrible to each other and hurt each other more deeply than we ever had before.
  7. Through aunts, uncles, siblings, and cousins. Still unable to face each other, we had family members intercede for us to each other. It sounds like a good idea, but it ended up with the whole family getting angry and picking sides.

If you’re like me, and you have a tendency to be a bit rebellious, and you have or will do any of the things I just told you not to do, here’s what you can expect. Because they all happened to me. Somehow, it all worked out in my family, and although we’re far from the picture-perfect, lovey-dovey Bollywood family, we’re still together. And I hope you have the same hope that I do, because sometimes our families love us so much that they surprise us.

What you can expect if you do it the WRONG way (like I did)

  1. They will get angry. They told you not to do this one thing for years. Let them get pissed.
  2. They will cry. You heard them guilt-trip you about the hopes and dreams that they pinned on you from birth. They’re going to bring all that back up and guilt-trip you some more, but this time, with tears.
  3. They will try to convince you not to do it. They’ll pick on whatever they can pick on to persuade you to leave him. My dad even told me that Indians and white people have different libidos and that I may not be able to please my husband once I reach middle age (because white people are sex-crazed and Indians can do without…). It’s OK to laugh. My dad’s weird.
  4. They will tear him down. That one thing that he’s insecure about? They’ll find it, and use it against you.

    This face: It WILL happen.
    But if your parents are polite, it’ll be directed at you and not him.

  5. They will tear you down. Those memories that they said they’d forgive and forget? They’ll show you that they did not forgive or forget.
  6. You will tear them down (and not in the “Yeah! I just won over my parents!” way). You’re their child, and you learned to hit them wear it hurts. You will probably lash out just as much poison as they’re serving you. Be careful. You don’t have control over what they’re saying, but you do have control over what you say.
  7. (Hopefully) You will both get over it. My family and I got to a point where we realized we loved each other too much to abandon the other. And it’s hard, and we’re still dealing with some of the hurt feelings that started two years ago, but we’re trying.
  8. They will approach your wedding with the attitude that if they’re “allowing” you to marry a white guy, then you must allow them to do whatever they want with your wedding plans. If you have been watching Say Yes to the Dress or any other wedding shows on TLC where they tell you that this is your day and you should exercise your ascent into adulthood, forget it. I kept hearing Randy’s voice telling me it’s my day, and my parents saw me as a spoiled brat when I put my foot down during planning. My family wanted me to let them have some say in my wedding planning because I didn’t let them have any say in my guy. 
  9. Your engagement and the first months of your marriage will feel like what the first year of dating should have felt like. Meeting the family was something you should have done years ago. Remember how you felt when you first met his family: awkward, scared out of your wits, and more conscious of your skin color than you ever were before? He’s feeling that, except ten times more because you spent years avoiding this moment and telling him how scary your family is.
  10. (Hopefully) It will get better, and you and your family will grow. I can’t speak for every family. I know some families are rough. I know some families are fucking crazy, and some are just downright dangerous. I can’t tell you that your story will end positively. But I hope it does. Our family problems didn’t stop after our wedding. Actually, they got worse during the holidays, probably because everyone was still traumatized and oversensitive from the wedding. But I do feel that we are all getting better and growing together. I have hope for our family, and I hope you can say the same for yours. Good luck.

I hope you have this moment.

Have you been there, done that, too? What other advice do you have for those who don’t know how to approach their parents about an “unacceptable” or “unconventional” relationship?

231 thoughts on “How You Shouldn't Tell Your Indian Parents You Have a White Boyfriend (More than 150)

  1. A

    I loved the article! But I’m in a pretty tricky situation. My boyfriend is white and we have been together nearly 3 years and my parents don’t know. The thing is I’m only 19 so its not like we’re ready for marriage. My parents have suspected we were together in the past and I have got in a lot of trouble for it. They have smashed my cellphone, made me move out of my bedroom (now I have to share with my sister) etc etc. I don’t see how I could ever tell them. Any advice?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. raanie

      th’at’s ”abuse” … you have to have your own bed and your privacy… Your parents should not control you since you’re not 15 anymore… You’re a adult now ! Find a job, save some money and move out ! I know that’s easier to say but my friend was on the same situation (maybe worst) and she make her parents understand that she’s is not a child anymore, she repects there tradition blablabla she would’nt let her parents controlling her life. She saved money for one year and she moved out …best decision ever


  2. mani

    what are the things you can suggest to the non-indian partner, i am indian and i have a hard time reassuring my partner that all this drama will become easier over time to handle that we just need to be consistent and we may never be fully accepted but we can still have our lives together as opposed to separate..
    and did you go on to plan your wedding without them until they accepted?


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  4. Dara

    We waited almost seven years to tell my parents that I was dating someone. He wasn’t white, but he was North Indian. (I’m a Hindu Tamilian) We told them on the day of my college acceptance. They haven’t talked to me in almost 2 years. His parents were more accepting, but they still bear a distnict animosity towards me.


  5. Anon

    This was a wonderful read. Thank you for being so authentic and brave 🙂 I found this article by Googling for “how to tell your Indian parents about your boyfriend” just to see what everyone else’s stories were like. I’ve been with my boyfriend (who is Indian but from a different state than me) now for over three years and I told my parents 2 years ago about him. (I too told my mom first! By the time I got around to telling my dad, she had already told him and he was doubly mad. We had a rather unpleasant exchange of e-mails for a year and he altogether stopped talking to me for the next year.) They still haven’t come around, but I can relate to all the consequences you have faced. A part of me was wondering if things would have been better had I waited a year or two before telling them. It seems to be another case of the grass being greener on the other side. Just wanted to let you know it would’ve been a tough ride anyway, and not to beat yourself about it 🙂 For example, the resentment will still be there because although you have told them, you are still unable to share with them all the good times you are having together, and need to hold on to the burden of hiding some parts of your life. Thank you for sharing your story, and I’m glad that access to personal blogs such as these make strangers relate to each others’ experiences! Best wishes for a beautiful life ahead 🙂


  6. BB

    Unfortunately it didn’t work out in the end for us, but I think we got things off to a better start than other Indian girl-white guy couples perhaps because we were good friends for some time before we started dating. It allowed her to speak positively about me to her parents outside of the context of a relationship, so that they got used to hearing about me and the two of us doing things together with mutual friends. As a strategy, I suspect making casual mentions that eventually lead up to a recognition that you are dating can sometimes work better than just springing the “Oh, and I’m dating a white guy” thing on them.

    Her parents didn’t necessarily welcome me with open arms, but they were always genuinely friendly to my face. Over the 2+ years we dated, however, I think we all came to the realization that her parents were treating it as a “phase” that she would (or would have to) eventually get over once she finished school. As far as I know she never brought up the possibility that we would end up getting married with them, so I can’t answer for how that would have turned out. In the end those deep familial ties and not wanting to see them disappointed were, I believe the deciding factor for her.


  7. Sonali

    Oh wow, this article was like a glimpse into my future. I wish I knew you in person because I really need someone who’s been through it before to talk to about these things. I’m also an Indian girl secretly dating a white guy and I can’t stop stressing about how this whole reveal is going to go down. I wish I could just fast forward to the part of my life where everyone is happy with each other and I don’t have to hide things anymore haha.


    1. Miss A

      HEY! your post is very recent so you might respond, I was secretly dating a white guy for a while then my mum found out, she was so up and down it was crazy she thought it was a phase then when she realised it wasnt she started pressuring me to tell my dad, i told her it ended (i didnt end it of course) and then she found out i lied and them my dad found out i was dating a white guy, needless to say its not been an easy ride, its been from screaming fights to me leaving to them trying to more recently force me to meet indian guys, anyway im still fighting me and my boyfriend are still together and although my parents disapprove massively say some horrible things and genuinely dont make my life easy, they dont stop me seeing him. The best advice i can give when you d eventually tell them is give it time, dont rub it in their faces and let them come to terms with it in their own time, they wont listen to anything you have to say they are blinded by their own views and in my case, its purely a race thing they think i am making a mistake purely because he is white, no other reason! If you have a good guy that is standing by you that helps massively, I hope it works out for you and ease them in dont do what i did – i acted like a child which probably didnt help – dont give up if you think hes right, our generation dont look at the things that our parents generation looked at we are more open minded and less prejudice.
      Good luck!


      1. Ni

        Hey Miss A,

        I am in the same situation as you and my parents hate my relationship for the precise same reason, that he is white and ‘white people cannot be trusted’ well, I hope things work out for both of us and our families eventually come around. Sending you prayers and luck 🙂


  8. Wonder

    This is really helpful! I haven’t got a white boyfriend but I have a boyfriend who isn’t the same culture as my family. He’s the same religion though and still brown too, but not the exact same. Thankfully, my dad is really supportive and likes the guy, so does the rest of my family. His family is extremely supportive about it too. However, my mum is less accepting about. She DESPISES this idea and becomes very violent about it. Over the last couple of days since I told her, she’s been doing some sort of drama everyday and she won’t utter a word to me unless it’s to explain to me how much of an evil curse I am to the family. I’m grief-stricken about this, but I’m hoping it’ll pass eventually and she’ll accept him. Reading stories like yours helps because you know what it’s like and how it feels. Thank you so much 🙂 I hope things have got better for you though 🙂


  9. Lon

    Hello ! 🙂
    This article opened my eyes little bit. I am “white” girl who has Indian boyfriend and his parents are typical Indian family with strong beliefs and they don’t want him to marry me. Now after 4 years, he is thinking because he doesn’t want his parents to be unhappy (as they are unhappy about our relationship) and he doesn’t want to hurt me (and I think he still wants to be with me). His parents have never met me. I don’t know what to do. I told my boyfriend I can learn language, I love Indian culture, I love the food, I can take care of his parents as Indian bahu, my mom (as the only member of my family) agreed to move with me to India, I said also about the job that I will find..We both are in love. He wants his parents to be happy but he also wants me to be happy. Many many emails and many many conversations about how we can connect our culture and how rich we will be with the cultural things. I do not know how to convince their parents to not reject me because of my cultural background. Do you have any suggestions?
    Ps. my boyfriend doesn’t want to get married without their consent.

    HELP !


    1. seriouslysoap Post author

      Hi Lon! At this point, it’s on your boyfriend… he needs to have that uncomfortable conversation with his parents about your relationship. Be supportive when it gets stressful for him, but be firm that you need this. I got really comfortable with keeping my secret, but my husband made it clear to me that he couldn’t handle being a secret forever. Good luck!


      1. Lona

        Thank you for the suggestions. His parents already know about me. I was his secret for a long time and then very clearly I told him I cannot be his secret. But still his parents are not happy with it. I want to meet them when I will go to India again. Do you might have any suggestions how to win their hearts? 🙂


      2. seriouslysoap Post author

        Ack, I wish I did 😦 I’m sure you’re being as polite and as accommodating as possible. I don’t know what else to suggest except talk to your boyfriend about customs his family upholds and if/how you can participate in them to show your respect. It’ll be a process… be patient and I’m sure they’ll grow to love you!


    2. Crystal Kushwaha

      Lon, it took a year for mine to convince his parents. The first time he told them they cried and raged. They told him it was just a phase. They told him to leave me. But we were way beyond that. They stopped talking to him for an entire year. Then he approached them again, because I was getting really sad. I had to travel back and froth from the US to India because of my visa, and it was all so exhausting.
      When he did talk to them again, they reluctantly agreed. They planned our entire wedding and I let them. It was not *my* day. 🙂
      But I was just happy to be marrying him in the first place.
      After spending a few weeks with them in their home, after marriage, they really learned that I was a good human being.
      Their initial fears were typical. A white American girl screams immodesty, alcohol and divorce, in their eyes, thanks to media. But they learned what kind of person I truly am.
      Very seriously, your boyfriend needs to tell them and be brave. He has it easier than the Indian girls do. No matter what his family says, they will forgive him.

      Liked by 1 person

  10. HurtandSad

    It’s good to know you’re not alone in your struggles. I’ve been dating a guy for over 2 months now. Although in Indian customs, you don’t meet the parents until later, in normal American customs, you meet the family, develop a bond, and are open about your relationship. It doesn’t mean that it’s serious, it’s just a way of maintaining a healthy relationship with your family and being happy for your new relationship.
    I’ve met his whole family, the most lovely family I’ve known. Accepted as one of their own and even treats me with love and respect. I really love them. I don’t see them often but those first meetings were so sweet and fun. But my family can’t give that to my boyfriend. They were suspicious of me dating and told my sister, “she’s doing nothing with her life. God knows who she’s dating and talking to.” It really hurt that instead of being happy for me, like my boyfriend’s family was for him, they attack my intentions, my innocence, and me in general. I’m not sure about the future, we could stay together or break up, but nonetheless if my parents gave me some faith and support, I wouldn’t forget it. If my family was anything like his, I know we would all be happy.


    1. seriouslysoap Post author

      I completely understand how you feel. My family said the same things to me and about me… now that they’ve had a few years to get to know my husband, they have warmed up to him and us as a couple. I hope things get better for you!


  11. Hurt for so long

    Really happy to hear of a positive story, I really hope and pray that I too will get a positive outcome.
    I’ve been with my white bf for over 2.5 years, we both met at work and have been together ever since. I love him with all my heart and he is my best friend.
    I came out and told my parents about him from day one as I did not want to keep any secrets from them. I in fact told my mum first as she always said that she wanted our relationship to be one of friends as well as mother and daughter. After I told her she did go all quiet, I thought that that she would need some time for it to sink in, however two days later she told me that my news had given her sleepless nights and was giving her chest pains (Indian parents are experts in emotional blackmailing, watching Bollywood movies just adds the dramatic effects), she also told me that I had to tell my dad that evening otherwise she would tell him before I do (oh they are great at threats too). So, I took the plunge and told my dad that evening, sadly, it met with the biggest feud ever, my dad said that he was extremely disappointed and that I had bought a “problem” home. My bf is not the problem here, it’s their racist views. My dad gave me an ultimatum; it was either them or him. How do you choose??
    I decided that I should take my dad out for dinner just the two of us and sit and talk; I was always closer to my dad back then. My dad clearly told me that he will never accept and that his culture and religion was far more important than my happiness. I reminded him that he was a witness at my cousins wedding a few years back, he had married a non-Indian, so why is that ok.?? Even that conversation ended badly…..
    Fast forward to 2.5 years later, I am still in the same position, still with the love of my life and my best friend who has stuck by me through thick and thin. We even went through 6 months of a long distance relationship which only confirmed that we couldn’t live without one another but how can you leave your parents?? I just couldn’t find the courage to walk away despite them telling me on so many occasions.
    I’m at such a crossroads that I can’t think of how I can make them understand….. Please help


    1. Abhi

      Just hang in there, girl! We all have gone through those phases. Trust me, it sometimes is baffling how parents turn around completely, given enough time. I think, in my case, more than all the conversation with my dad, what helped most was that I was patient and really waited it out. After a while, they really want you to see you married and they definitely want you to be happy, so they come around. What helps though, is if your boyfriend’s parents are supportive and interested in Indian culture so your dad wouldn’t feel like he is losing you to a new and strange world (to him). Good luck and lots of love coming your way.


  12. Priya

    Thank you for the expressing your thoughts! I have been searching Google(last hope) for advice and tips on how to broach the subject to parents who live in India. This is the first blog that I have come across which doesn’t involve Indian groom-White bride pair. I have been dating my bf for an year now. He introduced me to his entire family (including extended families) during our initial courtship. His family accepts and respects our relationship. But I can’t say the same for my family. I feel like telling them about him may bring out the worst in them(my mom, at times, can be unabashedly straightforward to strangers or family alike). I tried to introduce him over video call. I was out on grocery shopping and when they called, we took a break from shopping and I decided to video chat with them. I introduced him to them by saying he was helping shop. Initially they seemed okay and didn’t know to react or what to say. But few hours later I got an email from my dad saying that I shouldn’t bring home “problems”. Apparently my mom was really pissed after we talked and she hadn’t slept all night and was all worried. After that I never dared to have him around for a talk with my parents again. After that incident she asked me a couple of times about him, and I said he was doing okay and that’s about it. I don’t want to hurt them, I am their only child, and they expect a lot from me. At the same time, I don’t want to end this relationship because of this “problem”. I plan to tell them soon and I just hope that they forgive me and accept him as their own. Need all the luck in the world. Wish you all the same 🙂


    1. seriouslysoap Post author

      My family said the same things yours did. It’s taken a few years, but I think they’re all finally comfortable with my husband. The only remaining barrier is language. Good luck!!


  13. Natasha

    I’ve read and reread this blog post at least 10 times in the last couple of years and it has become my go to of when I’m feeling hopeless. I’ve been in a relationship with my white, American boyfriend for four years now and we recently got engaged. About a year and a half into our relationship, after being overcome with guilt about hiding the relationship, I told my parents about it and they freaked out. Not only did they threaten to disown me and claimed that my grandparents would die of heart attacks, my mom stopped taking her blood pressure medication in order to get me to fall in line. In an effort to get my mom to take her meds, I told my family that I need things with my boyfriend, and actually broke up with him. However, realizing how important he is to me and how strongly I feel for him, we got back together shortly thereafter, and I reverted to keeping the relationship a secret. In the meanwhile, my parents were trying to push various eligible bachelors on me, despite my open and repeated refusal to be introduced to anyone, because they felt that it’s high time I got married. Then, after close to two years of long distance (which was so hard, but we made it work and, in my opinion, are stronger than ever), my boyfriend moved back to the city where I still lived because he wanted us to make a decision about our future and whether we were going to take the next step. After years of seeing a therapist, a few months ago, I emailed my family about my boyfriend and told them that, while I understand and wanted to be mindful of their desire for me to marry a guy that fits their list of qualifications, this is who I choose to have a future with and I would love and appreciate if they would give him a chance by meeting him and getting to know him. They refused and stopped talking to me. Then a couple of months later, they started calling me and pretending like everything is totally “normal” and that things were as they were before I sent the email. When I brought up the topic of my boyfriend, they berated me and him, and told me they’d never accept him, period. This followed another period of silence, and another period of pretending we’re a happy family. During this time, about a month ago, my boyfriend and I got engaged, and I couldn’t bring it upon myself to tell my family. However, now, they’re about to visit next weekend, and I know I need to tell them. But I have no idea how to go about this when they’re making plans to sightsee, have nice dinners, etc. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


    1. Abhirami S

      I can totally empathize with the periods of silence, the pretending that everything is “normal” and not confronting the elephant in the room. It was awful when my dad did that. Every night at dinner, I would try to work up the courage to bring up the topic again. I would spend the hours leading up to it practising my opening line and once I finally got it out, I used to feel deflated and drained of all energy. When my parents visited me and I wanted them to meet my boyfriend, I knew it would ruin the atmosphere if I told them about it ahead of time. So, I told them just a day before that he was going to meet them the next morning and we were going to a temple together. My dad resisted and refused to talk to me, but at least, there was less time to be unpleasant. He wanted to go to the temple anyway, so he grudgingly agreed to let my boyfriend drive us there. So, have nice dinner and do the sight-seeing – sneak in an outing with your fiance in between all that and tell them to just get to know him. With time, I hope they come around and you can celebrate your wedding day with them smiling too! Be strong 🙂


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  17. Anon Ymous

    This is so so true and well written. Thank you for putting down your thoughts and writing them. This helps a lot, now and to everyone else in the future.


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  20. Tika E

    I am Indian women who married a white guy after moving to united states. I told my parents about him after one year of dating. We love each other and he accepts in every way and so do I. But when I told my parents in phone that I am in love with my boyfriend they got so mad , tried all the emotion drama and my mom said she will die if I marry this guy as she can’t take the societal judgement. she said she would rather die than live and face the peers, family and society they live with. I tried convincing a lot but they will guilt me saying they sent me for education and not for a boyfriend. I did Master’s and got a good job as well, but they think it doesn’t matter I should just marry an indian guy and fulfill Societal expectations that will make them proud and happy. They said that people stop respecting them if they got to know that their daughter wants to marry a white guy. I am from south india(telangana) and i moved to usa in 2016. Fell in love with my husband then boyfriend in 2017 and got married in 2018. I told them about him in 2017 and when they disapproved I married him anyway as He is the love of my life. And i told them that i did but they refused to believe me. I tried to make them talk to him before wedding but they refused. So after wedding when i told that i married him they didn’t believe and mom fainted while on phone and had a panic attack. they stopped talking to me for few days but my dad called and told my mother’s health got worse and few days after she had to go to a surgery. they blamed it on me when her BP got high and the doctors couldn’t operate on her. Since then i didn’t bring up my husband’s topic because my dad asked me to just to talk to my mom normally because she misses me. My husband is a sweetheart and he is very patient despite he wants to talk to them and convince them he has never forced me into rubbing in their faces. But my parents really don’t believe that i am married so my father in law says i should show them the marriage certificate and send pictures. But I am too scared to do that as my mom’s health has gotten worse ever since i told them about my husband. she stopped talking to people, doesn’t take care of herself, isolated fr everyone and is in depression and she has become so weak. So i am unable to say anything because my sister and my father are begging me to reconsider because they think i am not married and they think that I lied. I am such a coward that i couldn’t convince more as I was scared for my mom every since she has gone into depression and had surgery and having anxiety attacks. I am not sure what to do. the doctor said if she doesn’t go to therapy and she will get worse and she needs to see a therapist to get out of depression.


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